Lets face it. Americans are deliberately illiterate and purposefully oblivious to pretty much everything beyond our own spheres of daily influence, and I’m no exception. Which is why we should all thank the baby jesus, our lord and savior, that Facebook (FB) finally came along and delivered us from our ignorance.
Via FB, I learned that “Obama reverses Bush abortion-funds policy.” FB teaches me that MacBook will soon be available in purple, and apparently some people are up in arms about something called Prop 8. I’m inundated with such practical knowledge as “fifteen hottest celebrity diet tricks” and that “Nastia Liukin is the best and hottest gymmnist ever!” Even though I’m pretty sure gymnnist isn’t a word, I’m intrigued. I must learn more. How did she earn that title, and could I possibly become the World’s best and hottest Atternee, or Bar Tehndar?
Since ignorance and hatred go hand and hand, we might even say FB is well on the way to eliminating war and animosity. I mean really, how many friends have you made since you joined Facebook? That guy that works at the coffee shop you sometimes go to when you're hung over? Not just a barrista/cashier anymore! A new friend! That one girl who sat three rows back from you in remedial geometry fourteen years ago? The one that calls herself “Isis” now? Yet another friend! Even those people you’ve tried for years to avoid, like your drug-dealer ex who used to cry all the time – he’s your friend! FB goes beyond networking. It doesn’t just bring us together with casual and lost acquaintances. It is truly the Great Unifier! And not just because it brings you pictures like this:
Now, I’m not saying FB is like an e-Mr. Rogers, because that’s impossible, obviously. I’m just saying it’s more than just a good place to meet “hot Atlanta singles.” Like a warm, fuzzy zip-front cardigan, FB prepares you to go out into the world with a positive outlook, and a skip in your step. It’s a virtual place where love and learning meet. And I think Mr. Rogers would approve.I snack the rest of the day, downing a falafel taco, and three plain falafel patties.
And I’ll tell you this, Falafel. It is truly a beautiful day in our neighborhood! If you had fingers, and an email address, and could set up your own FB account, I wouldn’t just be a neighbor you nodded politely at when we passed eachother on the street, and debated whether or not to say "hi" to when you're pretty sure you see me at the craft fair in Villa Rica.
Falafel, if you had a FB, and I saw you at the craft fair, I'd walk right up and give you a big hug and kiss on the lips, and show you the new yarn I just bought. I’d let you be my 112th friend! I wouldn’t delete your lame comments, or explain to Pizza that I just accepted your friend request because I felt bad. Because we’re all friends on FB! And when you sent a “Best Friend” application request, I’d politely ignore it. I wouldn’t even consider deleting you as a friend.
That's the best photo ever. It's like a neighborly foot soup.
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