Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Day 19, Tuesday: Happy Inauguration Day!

As we all know, high-end cosmetics are a right in this country, not a privilege. Today I do my patriotic duty, entering the hallowed halls of Neiman Marcus to collect my hard-earned share of the spoils from a class action suit brought by some fancy house-wives with far too much spare time and resources (http://www.cosmeticssettlement.com/) Apparently, they (house-wives and attorneys) got some fool judge to agree that the horribly overpriced crap they buy was horribly overpriced, and now we’re all getting free makeup because of it. Today, those of us who like to own horribly overpriced cosmetics, but have the common sense to avoid horribly overpriced cosmetics, can be owners of horribly overpriced cosmetics without hiding the receipt from our husbands. To be admitted to the class, one need only admit (or pretend) that she, too, forked over an exorbitant amount of (pretend) money for a miniscule amount of eye cream in a (pretend) moment of weakness.

After zero minutes of research, I have been unable to confirm or deny whether Mr. Obama had his hand in today’s nationwide free cosmetics give away, but I am almost certain that it is no mere coincidence this momentous event takes place in the first week – nay, the first day, of our first hot president’s* inauguration. Mr Obama is undoubtedly aware of the fact that the rising cost of department store cosmetics in America is one of the main factors in our declining economy.

Which is why, I’m sure he, personally, made sure less fortunate Americans like myself could have access to Lancome Primordial Cell Defense (which would normally put you back$64.)

My advanced money-saving skillz make a lunch of red beans & rice all that much sweeter.

I eat lentils and spinach for dinner before we go to Manuel’s Tavern to celebrate the end of the Bush era, and Jessica’s actual birthday. I must admit, (kinda) guiltily, that the joint celebration makes me extra happy, since Jessica is a Republican. I don’t drink anything, but I pocket like ten sugar packets. They don’t have a purpose yet, but they will.

* It is true that this claim is contested by many sadly misguided presidential enthusiasts. These people can be lumped into two camps: (1) those who are under the erroneous belief that the first hot president was JFK, and (2) those who are under the erroneous belief that the first hot president was Bill Clinton. Like a Southern Baptists who refuses to accept evolution despite the glaring evidence, these people will not be swayed no matter the mountains of evidence to the contrary.

Indisputably, it would be cooler to smoke a J with JFK or Clinton, than it would be to burn one with Obama (who always smokes your weed while he talks about the kine bud he used to get back in Hawaii, and then ruins your high by guilt tripping you into giving some bum your pizza, and lecturing you about “how we should really get out there and help people.”) While this is, without a doubt, indicative of one’s ability to lead the free world, it is not considered a factor in the time-tested, world-wide standardized hotness algorithm.

Both presidents, as sixes, fall a full two points short of attaining hotness status. JFK had a hot wife, but his eyes were far too close together. Clinton, who does not have a hot wife, is cursed with a potato shaped nose. Unlike Obama, who glows beneath that baby-smooth skin, both presidents, could have seriously benefitted from a little Botox. Finally, both lose a point for being far too accessible (in females, we refer to this same trait as whore-bagishness.)

All three presidents share a lady-killer smile, but Obama, with that toned (but not in an ostentatious look-at-my-washboard-abs sort of way) body,
and those empathetic and expressive (but not wrinkly) eyes, framed in delicate long black lashes, is an eight, losing a points only for (1) having giant ears, and for (2) not coming out in favor of gay marriage (clearly not comfortable with his own sexuality, which is SO not hot.)

1 comment:

  1. I missed that goddamn settlement thing. And I even SPEND (pretend) money on that overpriced shit. It's because of freeloaders like you, riding the system, taking benefits meant for me, that I missed out.

    And I know that bathingsuited photos of Obama are not exactly abundant, but goooooooo, that is one serious butterface pic.