Thursday, January 8, 2009

DAY 2, Saturday: I Hate my Life (AKA Hunger sets in)

Had to work early in the morning and I love to sleep, so again, no breakfast for me. In retrospect, I realize I need to prepare something portable, or I will get hunger crazed and slip. This epiphany does me zero good as I spend the day surrounded by cupcakes and other delicious pastry morsels. Inner conflict rages. "It’s just a stupid experiment," screams my churning Stomach. "It is a stupid experiment," concedes diplomatic Brain, "but you said you were going to do it- so do it!" Brain, in a rare and hard fought battle, triumphs over the Hand-Mouth-Stomach Axis of Evil. I think about food, but eat nothing until 5:00, when I can go home. Yay! I won! Bleh! The only reward is the knowledge that I actually have some self-control. Which, come to think of it, feels pretty good, but not as good as a giant burrito would taste.

My day becomes much brighter when Jeannie stops by to visit, after getting an expensive haircut featuring some snazzy new bangs. A short visit turns into a late night, which becomes a sleep over. Jeannie and I possess a mutual deep-rooted and longstanding fondness for foods of all types, and have wiled away many a decadent night over cheeseburgers, tots, and plentiful PBRs. Lowbrow, perhaps. Delicious, Definitely. So while I look forward to her company, I was afraid of the temptations that might accompany her fellowship. Fortunately, for myself, Jeannie has decided that her face looks like a wheel of cheese, and has adopted 2009 as “No Food 2009.” Further, she has decided she is dying, and that beer makes her feel like shit. Sucks for her. Good for me. Since she was neither eating nor drinking alcohol, I am spared the ordeal of having to secretly hate her while she eats delicious foods and drinks delicious beer.

I make a small pot of lentils and spinach when I get home, eating a bowl of the concoction for both late late lunch and for even later dinner. A slight problem arises. I realize that I F-ing hate Cajun Seasoning ($1.89 down the drain! Live and learn). I can’t eat food with no flavor for 30 days! Upon today's newest revelation, I decide to enter a little business transaction with Adam. In exchange for $0.10 he sells me some salt and pepper in a shot glass. A small cheat, but an infinite increase in quality of life. I have $0.75 left.

For snack I had 1 cabbage leaf, and a dessert of two frozen blackberries.

As I watch the clock nonstop, wondering when it is acceptable to eat my next meal, Adam and Jeannie spend the night trying to undermine my resolve to stick with my rules. Not sure of what the rules actually are, since I’m new to this, and because it distracts me from the hunger pains, I allow the discussion. Conclusions I have reached:

1-I can only eat food available to the general public. I can’t eat food that I get for free from my job. I can’t go to a friend’s house and eat for free, and you can’t give me charity food (Margo!). That is, unless the offer is open to any and everyone. I mean, except George Bush. If there was only one muffin left and W really wanted it, I would break the rules and eat it.

2-I can’t make food from the $30 food I have, sell it at a profit, and buy more food. In an open market, maybe, but no bake sales for now. I’m a shitty baker, and it would just be a waste of my money.

More rules to come.


  1. Can't you go to Subway or something and get some salt and pepper packets? Or Caribou Coffee? Just shake some cinnamon and nutmeg into a napkin and skedaddle....
    Or is that "stealing"...and you'd be unwittingly perpetuating the stereotype that the poor are all lazy freeloaders?

  2. I think - one can take a freebie at Caribou and/or Subway, in fact, I have a Taco Bell excursion planned so Anne can satisfy a need for spices with a legal and non-rule-breaking acquisition of hot sauce.