Sunday, January 25, 2009

Day 12, Tuesday: The Recession isn’t just another mediocre Young Jeezy album

I’ll be the first to admit that the peas and spinach were garbage when I made them, and a week of stewing in their own blandness hasn’t improved the initial product. In fact, they’ve somehow managed to amplify their tedium, creating a cruel anti-taste vortex for your taste buds to ignore. While only slightly more refreshing than a handful of sand thrown in the face, the mush is at least filling, dutifully fulfilling food’s most basic purpose like a retarded but obedient servant. I want to throw it away, sooooooo badly. Zero waste, I tell myself. I summon up my inner Jedi and work towards choking down the last of the batch.

The offending shades of olive swirl lethargically, mixing unapologetically with the hunter green spinach to form a tasteless camo-gruel. I imagine if pea & spinach mush was ever lost in the jungle, it would be well hidden from his enemies, but would probably bore itself to death.

I am captivated by the fierce ongoing competition between Pea Mush Flavor and Pea Mush Appearance, both of which seem to be vying intensely for the title of Grand Chancellor of Bland, while at the same time coexisting in a perfect state of semi-viscous/mildly gelatinous harmony. The dreariness of my breakfast is only magnified by the drone of the news commentary spilling out of the living room television. All this talk these days about Dow Jones being down, lay-offs and recession is such a drag.

I am particularly concerned about the havoc this mess is wreaking on the hip-hop community. When Young Jeezy starts spouting lines like ''it's the recession, everybody broke,'' we ALL have cause to worry. I don’t know about you, but unless he’s under indictment for murder or running a dog fighting ring, I NEVER want to hear a rapper admit to even the slightest strain on his finances. I think it’s safe to say that if T.I. isn’t buying more diamonds, I’m not eating.

What the hell Jeezy, do you realize the chaos you are about to unleash on us? The American people have placed their trust in you, and you go around talking like that? How are we supposed to dance suggestively to a rap about the economy? I’m not saying you’re not qualified to comment on the matter. Hell, the mere fact that you have seen more than one $100 bill at the same time probably makes you more qualified than me. I’m just saying that you, of all people, shouldn’t go around scaring us with this intimidating talk about fiscal insecurity.

Jeezy, I hope you don't find this condescending, but its clear you’ve forgotten what it is that we, the American people, called on you for. You have three responsibilities in this world, and you're messing it up for the rest of us. All we ask is that you (1) keep buying more cars, trucks, villas, bling, fur coats, etc., thereby infusing the economy with much needed capital, (2) keep cranking out hit after mediocre hit with irresistibly catchy hooks, leading us like grown and sexy lambs to the booty club, thereby infusing the economy with much needed capital, and (3) keep being cool as fuck, inducing every last one of us to slave all week at Kinko’s or North Cobb Middle School, or Burger King, cranking out two-sided copies, detention slips and Angry Whoppers like you put out #1 hits, in a wasted endeavor to keep up with the Diddy’s, thereby infusing the economy with much needed capital.

So go ahead and do it. We know you’re coming out with a new clothing line next week, rendering the hat I drove all the way out to the Mall of Georgia last weekend on my only day off to get, an obsolete fashion dinosaur. That’s okay, I’ll go back. I heard they’re playing Planet Earth on the Imax screen there, and that sounds cool.

See, Jeezy! See how I’ve already forgotten how dull and meaningless my lower middle class life is? Sex, color, creed, race, national origin, or sexual orientation matters not when we come together in celebration of your works, writhing ecstatically on the dance floor with other drunken sweaty strangers, safe in the knowledge that next week will bring us a brand new jam. YOU, Jeezy are the unifying force. So remember, stick to the three rules, and rap about things that make us happy, like bitches, bling, slinging and sex. Under no conditions should you ever again rap about anything political.* The power is yours. Use it wisely.

Oh, if the mood or the beat catches you and you find yourself waxing poetic in some public place,(which I seriously doubt you're capable of) stick with the happy topics, and for God's sake keep your fear-mongering politikey shit at home. You’re scaring the children. You’re scaring me. I barely got down my black beans and rice at lunch.

Dinner of black beans and rice with Cajun seasoning. I am saddened to find that it is still nastay!
*The exception, as always, is that any derogatory statements pertaining to W or McCain are encouraged, constructive or otherwise.

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